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101 things you dont want to hear your apprentice say
1. "Does Enlarge work on a Sphere of Annihilation?"
2. "You wouldn't mind if I took the carpet for a trip over a weekend, would
3. "Was that rune inscribed on the cage important?"
4. "Want some help?"
5. "Could you come down here? I mean, _now_?"
Jason D Corley
6. Quick !! How does one _unsummon_ a demon lord ?
7. I wonder what this wand does ? <as he waves it around>
8. Remember that demon that you _had_ imprisoned down in the cellar ? Well
9. Oooops !!
10. Was I supposed to light the candles around the pentagram ?
Jose L. Martinez
11. "You mean those sticks (read wands) in the corner weren't kindling?"
12. "I finally shot that owl that's been folowing you around!"
14. "By the way, what's the reverse of "summon"?"
15. "That fire wand only had 25 charges left on it!"
16. "How do you you control something once it gets out of the pentagram?"
17. "The warding circle for this demon wasn't continuous before, was it?"
18. "What happens if I mix these two potions together?"
19. "So this wand fires a fireball if I point it at something and say
20. "How was I supposed to know she was a succubus?"
21. "You wouldn't happen to have a banishment spell memorized... Oh, no
The Grim Reaper
23. "Did I err?"
24. "But you didn't tell me that I COULDN'T do that!"
25. "Hey, I bet I can do that better than you can!"
26. "Study?!? I'm too good for that?"
27. "When do I get to make things go BOOOOOMM?"
28. "Oh, that component was worth THAT much?"
29. "Work? Why? I summoned your demon to do it!
... Of course I had to erase the pentagram!
What do you think I am, an idiot?"
30. "But this was supposed to be foolproof!"
31. "I don't understand!!"
32. "I thought you said "Cone of Cold" not "Coin of Gold"!"
33. "Hey, just who do you think you are, my teacher?"
34. What kind of glue do you use to fix a DragonOrb?
35. Master, I kind of forgot to feed your familiar.
36. Those books with the blue binders do burn!
37. "Uhh.. you know that nubile virgin you bought in last night? Well,
we started talking and.. uhh.. one thing led to another...."
38. "Hey look, Master! I saw this nice globe of crystal lying around, so I
cut off the top and now I can keep Mambo, my goldfish, in it!"
39. "What's in this bottle? * POP * Uhh... oh-oh..."
40. "Sorry about that, Master. I promise I won't wave your wand around
again. Hmm.. what's this frog doing here?"
41. "Master, is this pronounced 'HAStur HAStur HAStur' or 'HasTUR HasTUR
He-Who-Posts-Fro (Spring Heeled Jack!!!)
43. "Oh, I threw it away."
44. "What's this scroll that says...Wish...on it do?"
46. "This weird guy with horns and stuff came looking for you. He
asked if Razzlefratz was there. I told him no, your name was
Durkin. That seemed to make him really happy."
47. "Umm...you might not want to go in the basement."
48. "Hey, where did I put the top to this Decanter of Endless Water?"
49. "Remember how you told me not to lie anymore? Well, Elminster
stopped by to say hello. I told him you said he was a talentless
bag of wind. He wants to meet you tomorrow at the Blasted Lands."
50. "Was that your Staff of Power? That end table in the den needed
a new leg, and you _told_ me to fix it..."
51. "I wish you'd tell me how this Luck Blade worked!"
52. "Psst, Master... I forgot to mention that my cloak dragged off some
chalk on the five-pointed star that Orcus is standing in now..."
53. "Did you ever wonder what black cats tasted like? * BURP *"
54. "You know, this Erhdolt's Endurable Eraser really works! That book
over there only needed a few rubs of it before all the writing was gone."
55. "Sir, you will be pleased with what I have just done. I have sent
all those old and dusty tomes to the recycling center!"
56. "Master, was that by any chance a Reverse Gravity scroll you left lying
around in your alchemical lab?"
57. "But Master, I did my best to make you invisible during the parade!
How would I know it would just affect your robes?"
58. "Uh, Master, why was this mirror lying face-down on your table? Master?
Master? Gee, where'd he go?" (scratches head)
59. "Hey, Master, guess what? I tidied up your scrolls. Yeah, I put
them all in this bag I found in your closet!" (Bag (of Devouring) burps.)
60. "Master, uh, you know your alchemy lab? How much do you suppose it
would cost to get a new one?"
61. "Master, what's the command to make the magic carpet go back down?
You don't know? Uh, will you be needing your familiar any time soon?"
62. "Oh, THAT was your familiar?"
63. "Okay, I put the fire resistence potions in the red bottles, and
the cold resistence potions in the blue. Or was it the other way
around." (While facing a Dragon, of course)
64. "I thought this spell required a 5-sided star..."
65. "Okay, I put the glyph of paralyzation on the foyer door and the
fire trap on the library door. Then I set up the guards and wards
spell, Then the Maze spell."
66. "The top of this iron bottle seems to be stuck..."
67. "I had the Unseen Servant put the bags of holding in the portable hole."
68. "There is an Undead Anti-Paladin to see you sir..."
69. "There was a tiny pesky flying lizard around here, but I put out poisoned
meat for it..."
70. "You mean the meat on the table was.. ahem. Sir, please stick your last
finger in your mouth..."
71. "Uhh.. I seem to have forgotten to bring the Manual of Mighty and
Marvelous Magic on our voyage, Master. Will the Guide to Growing Great
Geraniums do as well?"
72. "Swallow goldfish? ALIVE?"
73. "Uhh.. Master, sorry to disturb your scroll-writing. You wouldn't possibly
have seen my bottle of invisible-ink, would you?"
75. (Loudly) "WHAT AN ILLUSION, MASTER! THE STORM GIANT WILL * NEVER *
76. "Did you ever wonder why so few wizards know the 'erase' spell, Master?"
77. "How was I to know that Summon Swarm could call up bookworms???"
78. "I managed to learn the Levitate spell, Sir. Now, without looking down,
could you tell me how to control it?"
79. "Did the scare spell work, Master? Hmm.. you're kind of pale..."
80. "I shall make sure that my shocking grasp is dissipated before touching
Master.. I shall make sure that my shocking grasp is dissipated before
touching Master.. I shall make sure..."
81. "Uhh.. sorry for falling asleep, Master. Now, could you do that spell
ONE more time?"
82. "Well, Master, I finally managed to learn the enlarge spell. Now, could
you tell me how one gets rid of a 50' long rat?"
83. Master, what should I wish for?
84. Where does a teleported spellbook go?
85. Hey...where'd the left tower go?
86. Smell something you said? smoke? Nah,theres no smell of smoke here.
No need for you to go ito the basement either. he he he. I'll just
go downstairs with this wand of fire extinguishing for, you know, target
87. Riddeeeep! Riddeeeep! Riddeeeep!* (*HEEEEEELLLLLLPPPP!)
88. Excuse me sir but, theoretically, what would happen if someone summoned,
ohhh, lets say a major demon from the 376 level of the Abys?
89. With this body in my possesion I shall now rule the world!! HAHAHAHHA!
90. Ah sir? You know that elemental you had in your control?
91. I was wondering sir, whats the bestway to stop a charging dragon?
92. Dang, just woke up all 8 red dragons and the exits on the other side of
the lair, sure wish my master was here (while playing with ring he just
93. [someone's at the door:] "No, he's been alone in his room with that
fancy sword for a few days now... Sure, I'll go get him for you!"
94. "Master, I seem to have finally perfected my taunt spell. By the way,
the Duke is at the front gates with his elite guard. Could you please
explain this to him?"
95. "But we are all out of candles. I used lanterns to surround the pentacle
96. "Master, watch out for the pit I just covered with my Phantasmal Force!"
97. You didn't have a familiar, did you?
98. That vial of mead you were makeing tasted REALLY good!
99. Why did the writing on that book disappear while I was reading it?
100. Hey look! These Dragon scales make a really neat jacket!
101. "What happens if I read the Meteor Swarm from this scroll and points at
102. "WHAT pentagram???"
103. "Sorry about the bookworms, boss."
104. "Oh, that potion! Nope, never saw it."
105. "Next time, I'll make sure to point that wand the other way."
106. "It's just coffee. A little soap, some warm water, a clean rag and
that scroll will be as good as new!"
107. "That nice wizard from across town paid me 2000 gp to deliver this box
to you. It must be some kind of clock!"
108. "Don't feel bad, boss. At least the OTHER demon didn't break free!"
109. "That moldy old cloak? I sold it to some peddler for a few coppers."
110. "Gee, boss, you kinda remind me of that other wizard, ah,
111. "I tried to stop him, boss, but he got away from me and headed straight
for your bookcase!"
112. "Well, your familiar and I got to discussin' politics, and dern if he
did'nt say a few things that got my dander up."
113. "Staff? I thought it was leftover firewood!"
114. "Hey boss, did you hear this one? There was a farmer's daughter, 3 stone
giants and a rod of many things..."
115. "A short guy from that guild downtown stopped by to borrow a cup of
flour, he said. When I turned around, he was gone!...
...along with most of your spellbooks!"
116. "That damned Earth elemental just wouldn't take no for an answer, would
117. "The witch across the street that likes you, she left a few messages on
your crystal ball. I only read the first 12 or so..."
118. " 'Get me some water?' I thought you said 'I want belladonna!' "
119. "These spell components sure make a mean stew!"
Jason D Corley
120. " no, you go first... I went first last time "
121. "Please Master, allow me to light your smoking pipe
with my Burning Hand spell." FOOOOMP ! "I'm sure
you eyebrows will grow again sir !!"
122. "Listen, this scroll says 'To set up a permanent time-stop
field for as far as the eye can see, just say the word
Bidlebedee.' Hmm ! Do you think it'll work ? ... Master
I'm talking to you. ... Master ? .... Master ? ..."
123. "Master, you are gonna laugh when you here dis ... I wuz
practicing Fireball in da library and guess what ?! ... It
124. "I'm so sorry Master, but I couldn't find any garlic, and
I thought maybe broccoli would scare the vampire just as well !"
125. "ALAS, MASTER !! I've finally done it! I've created Universal Solvent.
... 'cept it seems to be 'eating' right through the earth and I
don't know how to neutralize it."
126. "Imagine that ! ha, ha ! Mistaking a potion of Irreversible Aging
for salad dressing. ha, ha ! You know ... white hair looks good
on you, sir !"
127. "You _did_ write a will, didn't you Master ??"
128. "Hey Master, listen to this neat spell: 'As you read this spell of
Speech Impediment, you and all those around you will gladually
begome unabelled to gomunigate in da unbestanbable wanblage tan
bill bespeek uddel nonblends wabba dabba yabba ...."
Jose L. Martinez
129. you wouldn't believe the deal I got on all those scraps of paper you
kept up there in the chest...
130. Ummm, I think the dog I bought didn't like your cat that much but don't
worry, I told him not to do that to the next one you get...
131. "Master, I swear the king has _noooo_ sense of humor !
When I told him all the jokes you've been telling about
him, he didn't laugh at all !!"
132. "Sir, how come you didn't tell me the lock on your safe
was broken ? That little guy you hired couldn't get it
opened, so he took it back to town to work on it."
133. "Listen, when you said you were expecting a familiar to show
up, I thought you meant your cousin Sigmund from the West. How
was I supposed to know you were expecting a chicken ?! ...
I say let's forget about it and make the best of a bad
situation ... do you want the leg or the breast ?"
134. "You, stupid peasants !! Either you obey my master or he'll
turn all of you into toads !! YEAH !!! You think that just
because you brought four paladins with you that he's scared ?!
NO WAY !! And as soon as he gets out of the bathroom he'll
teach all of you a lesson !"
135. "So you are out of live spiders, huh ? How about selling me
some cockroaches ? My master is so old I don't think he'll
be able to tell the difference."
136. "Hey master, let me show you this neat trick ... Pick a card
from this Deck ... any card !"
137. <absolute silence, hour after hour after hour> .....
"AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGG !!!! You damned apprentice !! I know
you are up to something. I can hear your breathing !!!!!!!
Where are you ?? Say something !!!! You're driving me CRAAAAZY !"
Moral: Sometimes a silent apprentice is more terrifying than
an apprentice than open his mouth without thinking. :-)
Jose L. Martinez
138. "Boy, that broom I animated really got out of control, but don't worry,
I took an axe and chopped it up into a million pieces."
139. "I was just in the library Master and was wondering, do you have a
Xerox machine ?"
140. "Hey, I just learnt the magic missile spell Master. Pretty accurate
'aint it. I'll be back later...just going down to the pub for a game of
141. "Master, I messing around with some charcoal, sulfur, and potassium
nitrate in your lab, and I guess it got too close to the fire..."
142. "Master, I have an IMPORTANT safety tip for you..."
143. "So I mixed the glycerine, nitric acid, and sulphuric acid together in
that pot that was hanging over the fire in your library..."
144. "Hypothetically, what would happen if Fluffy was at the bottom of a
portable hole when the spell expired?"
145. "Remember how you wanted me to practice my Magic Missile spell? Well,
I saw that black cat which keeps hanging around here..."
146. "You do have backup copies of your spellbooks, right?"
147. "Please tell me another. Plleeeeaaaasssee. Oh please master. I just love
your stories. Oh goodie thank you. Wow that apprenctice sounds real
funny and ... what that sounds like something I did . Now wait a
minute I did the same thing. And the master did what to the the
apprentice. If I was that apprentice I woul... "
[bright light floods the room as the Apprentice explodes.]
148. "I didnt mean to hit you with that web spell, boss. Let me help......
darned web.....I know! I'll BURN it off!"
149. "Hey boss! Look what I found under your bed - the Fabled Bloodstone
Pendant! Finders - Keepers!"
150. "Uh boss, the Emperor is at the door with an army of guards...looks like
he's holding that pair of boots you made for him..."
151. "The witch across the street stopped by again, boss. She says if you dont
take her to the Necromancers Ball she'll turn you into a DRESS and WEAR
Phillip J. Geer (email@example.com.EDU)
152. Well I wanted to find out if it's true that cats always land on their
153. We have to do this ritual on a full moon?? I go all funny on a fu....
154. Cauldron?? I thought it was the soup!!
155. Want a game of cards here? I'll deal you five..... (DoMT)
156. Lookit!! My own personal pit fiend!!!
157. Priest: Shit, its a dead-end.
Acolyte: Can you resurrect it, Master?
John M Kewley (firstname.lastname@example.org)
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