... de retour de l'au-delà ...
Vous n'êtes pas identifié.
If I Am Ever the Sidekick...
1. If the hero tells me to stay put while he goes on ahead, I will do so instead of sneaking around and getting captured.
2. When selecting a love interest, I will keep an eye out for the spunky, moderately attractive tomboy type who is about my height. The stunningly beautiful ones are probably spies from the Evil Overlord, and are only trying to sweet-talk valuable information out of me or tempt me over to the other side.
3. Optimism and survival appear to correlate negatively. If I find myself hopeful at all times about human nature, I will verify the status of my insurance policies.
4. I will strive to complement the Hero's skills instead of duplicating them. If I am the most inventive person ever born, I will cultivate those talents instead of trying to become another swashbuckler.
5. I will coordinate all Heroic Struggle-related activities with the Hero. If I can't tell him what I'm doing, I probably shouldn't be doing it.
6. I will not go to town for information if I am routinely beaten to a pulp for doing so.
7. I will exercise caution during the Heroic Struggle. Neither the depth of the Hero's anguish over my death nor the heat of his fury to avenge me will bring me back from the dead.
8. I will try to stay quiet and sober most of the time. If I get drunk and sing bawdy songs at the top of my lungs, I will attract prostitutes who are really working for the Evil Overlord.
9. If I am tasked to carry a very important message, I will make copies and use FedEx to get them to their destination.
10. When the beautiful captured spy offers me sexual favors, I'll decline; it's only a trick to kill me and escape.
11. If I take up the profession of arms, I will not necessarily ape the Hero's fashion sense. Specifically, I will have sleeves on my shirt, and the shirt will be buttoned.
12. If my partner is named Dirty Harry, I should realize that there is a reason for that and ask for a transfer.
13. Before accepting the role of Sidekick, I will learn how the position became vacant.
14. If the Hero sends me out on some errand, I will go, perform the task, and return. I will not drop by the tavern for a tankard of ale.
15. If the Hero does something that hurts my feelings, I shall presume that it was an honest mistake. I will not go wandering off by myself in a fit of self-pity, only to be captured by the Evil Overlord.
16. I will inform the Hero and his associates of any embarrassing secrets, so that the Evil Overlord cannot use them to blackmail me.
17. If I am flying a one-man craft which is critically damaged, I will eject. Only if the ejector seat fails will I belt out a long, despairing, agonized scream as I fly the craft into an enemy structure.
18. If the Hero has any extra-nifty weapons or armor, I will try to obtain like items for myself.
19. I will not wear a red shirt when beaming down to a planet.
20. I will not tell the Hero about my plans to settle down after the Evil Overlord is overthrown.
21. I will never open a package addressed to the Hero, or pick up his laundry, or perform other personal tasks on his behalf.
22. When the Hero tosses me his car keys, I will toss them back, and take the bus. Let the car bomb blow him up for a change.
23. I will not die and be brought back to life by the Hero with such frequency that the fans say I have a revolving door in the afterlife.
24. I will make plans for disposal of my body after I have died, so the Evil Overlord cannot use it for insidious reasons of his own.
25. Someone involved in the Heroic Struggle has an identical twin out there. I'll plan accordingly.
26. If I find a pit, I will not throw a rock into it to see how deep it is, unless this information is actually needed for some reason.
27. If I fall in love with the Hero's True Love, I will inform the Hero first, and then the True Love, so that they can help me get over it and find someone else.
28. If I fall in love with someone else, I will tell him/her now, and not shyly procrastinate, thereby dooming the object of my affection to perish just as I was getting up the courage to make my feelings known.
29. If the Hero calls for me from some dark place I did not expect him to be, I'll hit the place with some manner of illumination, ask for the password, and proceed with the utmost caution.
30. If the Hero wants me to go get something, I'll arrange for delivery. If this is not available, I'll take along a few faithful comrades. At no time will these services be performed at night.
31. If the Hero is fated to slay certain entities, the Evil Overlord in particular, this means that I will not slay them, and I should avoid trying.
32. If the Hero warns me that my girlfriend is a Servant of Evil, I am in a perverse quandary. If I believe him and terminate the relationship, he will turn out to have been dead wrong, and the resulting alienation of affection will drive her to the Dark Side. If I don't believe him, he will turn out to be right, and I will be used as a pawn by my scheming paramour. I guess the only solution is to take my sweetie on a long vacation and not return until after the Heroic Struggle is completed.
33. I will not goad bad guys with statements like "over my dead body."
If I Am Ever the Hero's Own True Love...
34. I will never take a vow to marry only someone who can defeat me. I will learn of any laws which limit my marriage options and work towards their repeal. I will decided when and who I marry, thank you very much.
35. I will not freeze in terror in the presence of monsters or servants of the Evil Overlord.
36. If I have a friend who never seems to be around when the Hero shows up and clobbers the Bad Guys, I will draw the appropriate conclusions.
37. If I am captured by the Evil Overlord and escape, I will assume that he is tracking me in some manner. If I am going to the hidden rebel base, I'll first go to an alternate location, change clothing, equipment and means of transportation, and then go to the hidden rebel base.
38. If I have a copy of the Evil Overlord's plans and my capture is imminent, I will not send the only copy of those plans away with a cute little sidekick. I will make many copies of the plans and send them away with many cute little sidekicks.
39. I will learn unarmed combat, so that I can kick Bad Guys between the legs, and put my elbow into the Evil Overlord's solar plexus when he uses me as a human shield. I will not, however, attempt to tackle a Bad Guy bare-handed as long as more practical alternatives exist.
40. I will learn armed combat, so that when the Evil Overlord and the Hero are engaged in mortal combat, I can grab some dead henchman's weapons and help tilt the odds in the Hero's favor.
41. I will practice broken-field running so that I can actually run from one place to another without tripping over every shadow, crack, and pebble along my path.
42. If the Evil Overlord tries to force me into marriage, I will insist on a ceremony so expensive that it will debilitate his industrial capacity. I will be picky about the tiniest details of the ceremony and change my mind frequently so that the resulting delay will give the Hero more time to rescue me.
43. My own sidekicks will be picked for brains, not looks.
44. Since liberated women are still allowed to have it both ways, I will not rule out using my womanly wiles to defeat the Evil Overlord. Even if it only works on Stupid Bad Guys, it never hurts to try.
45. After being forced into a compromising situation, I will not grab a weapon from the Bad Guy and toss it to the Hero when he walks in; I will instead grab a weapon from the Bad Guy and use it on him myself, before the Hero walks in.
46. Likewise, if I catch the Hero in a compromising situation with another woman, I will give the Hero the benefit of whatever doubt might reasonably exist.
47. When the Evil Overlord forces me to help betray the Hero, I will make a show of resistance and then feign capitulation. I will then use whatever resources are placed at my disposal to screw the Evil Overlord (in a metaphorical sense, of course).
48. My clothing and footwear will always be appropriate for the occasion. It will enable me to run, climb, and fight, and will hide as large an assortment of personal weaponry as is practical. It will also protect me from frostbite and hypothermia. If my clothing becomes torn in a manner which threatens to kill me from exposure or transform me into cheesecake, I'll steal a jacket from some bad guy. As I am confident that my charm, loyalty and wit are enough to maintain the Hero's love, the harem girl outfit is reserved for private moments when we are living happily ever after.
49. I will not hesitate to lie about the Secret Location of the Rebel Base.
50. If I have phobias about spiders, snakes, lightning, etc., I'll get therapy and overcome them, so that when lives depend on my ability to behave intelligently, I can do it. Since liberated women can still have it both ways, I will feign phobias in order to deceive or distract Bad Guys.
51. If I am offered a bribe, I will accept it, and inform the Hero by a pre-arranged means. The happily-ever-after will be happier if we have a good nest egg to start on.
52. The Hero and I will have a pre-arranged signal so that if one of us is held at gunpoint and the other is ordered to drop his/her weapon, the hostage will know when to duck while the other one plugs the Bad Guy.
53. Knowing that creatures with tentacles have a preference for True Loves, I will keep an eye out for them.
54. I will learn basic mountaineering skills so that when I'm dangling off a cliff the Hero can finish off the Evil Overlord instead of letting him escape in order to rescue me.
55. If I am presented with a reasonable opportunity to save the day myself, I will at least try, and not wait for the Hero to do it.
56. I will never buy an apple from peddlers plying their trade in remote places where the customer base could not possibly support them.
57. I will not give sloppy, wet kisses to the Hero until I verify that he isn't related to me.
58. I will not jump out of a lifeboat as it's being lowered over the side of a sinking ship. I'll either give my spot to a mother with a baby and join the Hero in a noble death, or sensibly stay on the lifeboat and treasure my memories of him forever.
59. I will not steal confidential information from the Hero in an attempt to further my career, thus causing the Hero's dismissal from the team assembled to save the earth and severely damaging his efforts to succeed.
60. If the Hero tells me he wants to break up with me or quit his dangerous job for my protection, it's already too late; a kidnapping is already in the planning, and I will take all reasonable precautions against it.
61. I will obtain a device that the hero can use to locate me when I, despite my best efforts, am kidnapped.
62. I will refrain from converting the Captain of the Guard to our side, as it means he will be killed while helping me to escape.
63. I will not accept gifts from the Evil Overlord. They probably contain mind-control devices that would make me giddily happy to marry him. It's demeaning enough to be head-over-heels for the Hero, let alone a creep like the EO.
64. When the Sidekick rescues me, I will dump any gifts received from the Evil Overlord. They probably contain tracking devices, which would result in the Sidekick getting killed; then I'd have to listen to his confession of undying love while he croaks, and feel obligated to say some comforting baloney before his eyes close for the last time, and then after telling the Hero about his friend's courageous sacrifice, wind up naming our first child after him.
65. There is a fifty-fifty chance that the Hero's Sidekick is in love with me. I'll find him a spunky, moderately attractive tomboy type about his height, and steer them towards each other. If they quarrel, they're in love; if they hit it off, she loves him, but he's secretly unhappy with her and still loves me, and the Hero will need to send them off on a mission together.
66. If I absolutely must scream, I'll use actual words with useful information. "I'M BEING EATEN BY A SHUGGOTH!" better enables the Hero to rescue me than does a simple ear-splitting "AAARRRGGHH!"
67. When the Evil Overlord says that he was driven to his evil by my radiant beauty, I'll just kill him.
68. I will never vow to slay the killer of my brother or other near relative; there is a fair-to-middling chance that the Hero did it, that it was an accident, and that I won't learn he did it until after I fall in love with him.
69. If someone capable of feeling pain covers my mouth with their hand, I will make use of my pearly whites at the moment when my captor can least afford to be distracted.
70. I will save my ethical dilemmas for times when I don't have an enemy at gunpoint.
Tips for the Innocent Bystander:
71. Never take on someone that has just beaten the Hero, unless it is to distract him just before the Hero delivers the killing blow.
72. If the Evil Overlord announces to the world that he has reformed and wants only to help people, throw a party, and give away money, don't go, especially if he's playing Prince's music. If he's lying, you'll be a hostage or a statistic. If he's telling the truth, catch the next one.
73. Watching the Evil Overlord's interview on TV will no doubt be interesting, but don't be in the studio audience when he/she/it hosts "Saturday Night Live." Tape it, and wait a week or so to see if any other viewers had any seizures or mind-control problems before you watch the tape.
74. If you're riding on public transport and the Magnificent Seven board your train or bus, get out immediately and wait for the next one. Especially if they're in their street clothes.
75. If you are exceptionally attractive, stay away from banks. It's always the buxom redhead who gets taken hostage by the bankrobbers.
76. Do not run back to get your teddy bear or puppy.
77. If you have small children, keep them on one of those kid leashes when in public, so that they won't go running back after their teddy bear or puppy.
78. When a Bad Guy uses you for a human shield, certain delicate areas of his body are in striking range of your heel. Go for it.
79. If an acquaintance of yours seems to disappear every time the Hero puts in an appearance, rub some of those brain cells together and see what comes up.
80. If your child has an adult friend who frequently urges your child to clear his/her mind, or tells you that your child has "a rare gift," set your affairs in order. Your days are numbered.
81. If you are a news reporter, find a happy medium between the people's right to know and your right to not get kidnapped/held hostage/etc.
82. Likewise, if you are a policeman, bank guard, or night watchman, and your first shot bounces off of the intruder's chest, try shooting other areas of the intruder's body, like their face, groin, etc. If this also fails, do not waste the rest of your ammo on him/her/it, or risk your neck in hand-to-hand combat; instead, fall back and observe.
83. Do not attempt to duplicate the means by which the Hero gained his/her powers. You will either fail and die a lingering, agonizing death, or succeed, lose control of your powers, wreck half of the city, and make it necessary for the Hero to kill you to neutralize the threat you pose to everyone else.
84. If you associate with the Hero, you run the risk of becoming a True Love or a Sidekick, depending on your availability and mutual gender preferences. The former will involve hostage situations on a semi-regular basis, but chances of survival are optimal. The latter can be quite hazardous to your health, so avoid it.
85. If the Hero and the Evil Overlord are engaged in mortal battle, go somewhere else as quickly as possible, before you are squished by a car, the statue of the city's founder, or a collapsing skyscraper.
86. If you notice that your fellow reporter can type 1,024 words per minute, you should be able to tell that something's up.
87. If the Evil Overlord offers you immortality, superpowers, or infinite wealth, and all you have to do is something that seems terribly trivial, don't. It's a trick. You will be used as a pawn in a larger game, and then crushed like a bug.
88. Don't try to impress your significant other by emulating something that a Hero once did. Doing so usually results in said Hero having to come and save your butt. And you look like a complete loser, too.
89. When you hear reports that the Hero has been involved in some illicit activity, remain skeptical; it's probably a frame-up.
90. Never purposely investigate the Hero in order to learn his true identity. Success will get you kidnapped by the Evil Overlord.
91. If a Superhero takes up residence in your city, a nice spacious estate in the country will help you to actualize your potential lifespan.
92. If you are a security guard for a vast, powerful corporation, try to get assigned to the Marketing or Personnel departments, rather than R&D.
93. If there's a shy, quiet kid in your class that everyone picks on, treat him with respect and kindness. When his psychic powers are made manifest, you may actually survive.
94. If you are spending the night in a spooky old house on a dare, don't sneak away to another part of the house for romantic interludes with your Significant Other. Wait until you can get a nice, clean, safe motel room.
95. If you come across a body, do not walk slowly in the direction of a suspicious noise, or stand over the body in a stunned state of shock. Instead, call the police on your cell phone.
96. If your Mom or Dad is an eccentric researcher, insist on living close to civilization so that you can socialize with your peers and date. That way you'll be able to judge the Hero and the Evil Overlord on their own merits.
97. If your Mom or Dad is an eccentric researcher, insist that they teach you their specialty so you can duplicate their research if the need arises, and exercise some restraint on their schemes should they become mad.
98. If the Hero says "wait here," it really doesn't matter whether you obey him or not. If you stay, you'll be captured by the Evil Overlord's henchmen as soon as the Hero is out of earshot. If you tag along, you will be caught by the EO's henchmen as you stumble along.
99. Evil Overlords' friendly overtures are never sincere. If he is suddenly friendly to you, answer him courteously, then skip town at the first opportunity. If he has always been friendly to you, answer him courteously and feign utter uselessness in his designs.
100. Learn to control sneezing, coughing, and other bodily noises so that you won't give yourself away when you're trying to hide from tyrannosaurs, henchmen, etc.
101. If you enter a house, fortress, cave, temple, tomb, graveyard, etc., especially one with a malevolent aura or history of macabre events, and an eerie, disembodied voice orders you to depart the premises, go.
102. If the mere presence of your new sweetheart provokes a hostile or fearful reaction in cats or dogs, terminate the relationship immediately.
103. If someone chasing after someone else asks you to catch the latter, feign incomprehension. If you comply, you'll either catch the hero (and thereby play into the villain's hands), or catch the villain (who will waste you or use you as a hostage).
104. If you are a police officer, bank guard, or night watchman, and somebody breaches the concrete walls of your facility, it is generally a waste of time trying to ask them about their business.
105. If a new hero shows up who take business away from the old one, keep your distance; they're either a Bad Guy pretending to be Good, or their powers are not fully developed and will soon go out of control.
106. Do not attempt to observe the Hero's fights in person, but rather, content yourself with watching it on the nightly news.
107. If mysterious strangers appear at the birth or adoption of your child and make epic proclamations about him/her, listen.
108. Don't make friends with the Hero's True Love. You'll buy it when she gets kidnapped.
109. Do not take a shortcut through the woods.
110. Don't make the snack run alone. Bring someone else with you.
111. Do not actively try to become a Sidekick or True Love. If you really have what it takes, you'll wind up with the role no matter what you do.
112. If your corporation conducts research, don't volunteer to work after hours. That's when experiments go awry.
113. If you run a corporation that conducts research, do not fire one of your researchers without first dismantling every bit of their laboratory equipment.
114. Do not attempt to chase custom-built vehicles, even if you are a policeman.
115. If you're singled out as the Chosen One, politely ask what it entails. If the job description involves "Defeating the Darkness," and involves long years of danger and struggle, you've just been made a Hero, and the person naming you the Chosen One is your Mentor (or can direct you to your Mentor). If the job of being the Chosen One involves being pampered by half-naked temple virgins, it will end with you being sacrificed to the volcano, and the person calling you the Chosen One is the Evil High Priest(ess) who intends to perform the ceremony.
116. Any artifact named as if it were a part of somebody, especially if it really was once a part of somebody, is a Talisman of Purest Evil, and should only be dealt with in a manner pursuant to its destruction.
117. Stay away from all buildings or natural features of the landscape that resemble skulls, fists, fanged mouths, etc.
118. Before going off the beaten path for your vacation, check the police archives, and with the old people who live in the region, taking note of any mysterious deaths or disappearances.
119. No matter how hooked you are on phonics, don't try to pronounce things you find inscribed in ancient artifacts.
120. Artifacts that are found in pieces should be left in pieces. Most importantly, if the pieces of an artifact stick together during assembly without any sort of adhesive, stop!
121. When the scholar in the expedition says that the carving promises wrath on him who breaks the seal, it's time to go back to the camp.
122. When the medical examiner announces that the victim was bitten or eaten by "something weird that I've never seen before, probably some kind of animal", avoid the area where the biting/eating took place. If the victim is still alive, avoid the victim except under broad daylight.
123. Do not split up to search for the monster.