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Guidelines for Evil Empresses:
1. Beauty is fleeting, power is vulnerable. I will not risk the latter for the former.
2. I will not fret over the comparative beauty of the Hero's True Love or any Beautiful Yet Innocent kinfolk. They may be attractive enough, as peasant wenches or quivering maidens go; but I am The Evil Empress, and there is no comparison.
3. I will use my magic mirror for spying on my enemies rather than for vain attempts at preserving my position as fairest in the land.
4. I will not bed the Hunky Hero before my plan is executed, unless having him believe I am carrying his child gives me a decisive advantage.
5. While seduction has its place in my arsenal, I realize that "evil" and "skanky" are not mutually inclusive. Royal Dressmakers unable to realize this fact will be flayed alive in the presence of their replacements.
6. I will wear flats, or better yet, running shoes when executing crucial plans.
7. My slinky sorceress' robe will have a chain mail foundation garment, at minimum.
8. I will not be put off by the Hero's rebuffs of my sexual advances. If he doesn't succumb, I won't fly into a jealous rage. Instead, I'll shrug my shoulders, send him on his way, and have him picked off as he exits the fortress.
9. Where winks, suggestive remarks, and body language won't get me what I want, a well aimed semi-automatic will.
10. Sex is certainly a weapon at my disposal, but then so is a blaster. If it is not clear which weapon I should be using, I will opt for the blaster.
11. I, and my elite guards, will never assume that we have managed to confiscate all weapons or escape aids from the captured Hero. Interrogations in my private chambers will only be conducted if the Hero is completely nude. This will satisfy a number of objectives at once.
12. I will promote chivalry and urge my minions to exhibit proper behavior at all times when it is not counterproductive to my schemes. This increases the chance of running up against only chivalric Heroes, as well as increasing the surprise factor when I ditch the pretenses and get really vicious.
13. I will not seize power for my beloved son or husband or other close individual, especially since they may not, in the end, be grateful that I was so ruthless and treacherous on their behalf. I will seize power for myself and grant my loved ones small fiefdoms they can call their own, if they want.
14. If the Hero is an old lover of mine (and they almost always are), I will remember just why he is a former lover, and keep it in mind as I destroy him.
15. If I know the Hero is an old lover of mine and he isn't aware of it, I will keep it to myself. I can better exploit his weaknesses and my other intimate knowledge about him if I don't allow my identity to be revealed.
16. If the Hero says he is willing to betray his cause and accept my offer of ruling the world at my side, he will only be believed once that betrayal results in his cause's total destruction, at which point his demonstrable lack of principle will lead to his immediate execution.
17. My poison-fanged or -clawed beast minions will not be spiders, snakes and ravens, but kittens, goldfish, and canaries.
18. I will wear breakaway clothing whenever risking capture. It will facilitate escape if I am grabbed, and it will distract the captor (but not me) for those crucial seconds it will take me to either escape or steal his weapon.
19. I will wear form-fitting clothes rather than flowing gowns: they're just as, if not more, flattering and are less likely to snag on something or catch fire at the moment of triumph or escape.
20. If I require my Hag or Crone to poison someone, I will require the poison be quick and deadly rather than a mere sleep aid.
21. My Amazon Hordes will either be dyed-in-the-wool lesbians or have a nice pool of suitable comely men of their liking at home.
22. My Amazon Hordes will wear full body armor, rather than three small triangles of chain mail, which are reserved for dress occasions.
23. The infantry of my Amazon Hordes will use advanced tactics such as the phalanx and employ sophisticated weapons such as the 10' pike when closing with the enemy, but only after their archers have emptied their quivers from 200 yards away.
24. I will reevaluate any job that requires manipulating a man in my thrall. Chances are one of my Amazons could do the job with less risk.
25. Male Sidekicks are almost always corruptible with a wink and a nod, or charmable by a simple spell or potion, at least until the crucial encounter with the Hero, at which time they should be safely entombed somewhere far from the action.
26. The effort of turning female or gay sidekicks generally makes killing them the least bothersome tactic.
27. If I married into the title of Evil Empress, I will let my Overlord take the flak for the Empire's evil actions and ingratiate myself to the people with my kindness.
28. If I married into the title of Evil Empress under duress then my very first order of business must be the disposal of the Evil Overlord, since he must already know he can't possibly trust me as far as he can throw me.
29. If I married into the title of Evil Empress under duress, then using the Hero to free me of the Overlord does not obligate me to abdicate my throne.
30. If I am competing with other Overlords, Empresses and High Priests for ultimate domination, I will assume they have access to this and other lists and the brains to listen to them.
31. I will not try to turn a son (even mine) against his father, no matter how estranged they are. Blood relatives can be annoyingly sentimental.
32. I will neither repress my Beautiful but Wicked Daughter nor smother my Handsome but Evil Son. It's hard enough raising a ruling family these days without extra dysfunctional baggage. No one wants disgruntled offspring suddenly seeing the light and turning Good just because Mummy gave them an unhappy childhood.
33. Unless immortality comes with Absolute Power, I'd better be grooming my Evil Offspring to take the reins someday. It's better to carefully feed their growing lust for power by gradually increasing Imperial responsibilities than have them plotting my untimely demise.
34. If I am unfortunate enough to have a Beautiful but Innocent Daughter, as opposed to a Beautiful but Wicked Daughter, I will unconditionally love and nurture her, and be as supportive as possible of any budding romantic relationship with potential young Heroes. This will a) delay Heroic action while I study his strengths and weaknesses, b) cause emotional conflicts within the Hero that will encourage fatal hesitations or mistakes, c) provide another chance for my daughter to see things my way before I'm forced to eliminate her.
35. I will not mistreat, abuse, or plot elaborately to kill my Beautiful Yet Innocent Stepdaughter -- she's destined for something, count on it. Instead I will treat her with all the kindness and love possible while slowly reshaping her in my image.
36. However insatiable my appetites are, it is virtually guaranteed that at least one of my millions of subjects is both far more gifted at satisfying them and far more loyal to me than the Hero who seeks my destruction, no matter his reputation with the ladies.
37. My personal servants will be professional bodyguards and assassins, but will dress and behave as eunuchs and maidservants. Even if I dismiss my regular guards for a "private audience" with the Hero, these personal servants (just so much furniture after all, right?) will remain in my chambers.
38. Any bodyguard who cannot maintain concentration and discipline in my boudoir will be eliminated immediately by the others.
39. I will learn the various arts of self defense and not rely solely on muscular minions to protect me.
40. The appearance of weakness can be as useful as the appearance of strength. I will exploit the double standard for all it's worth.
41. If I must enlist the powers of the netherworlds I will first bone up on contract law. My own soul, mind, and/or (especially) body will never be negotiable.
42. If I get the bright idea to seduce a powerful yet malevolent being into becoming an ally, the actual seduction can be handled by my body double. Exotic anatomies are not to become a factor.
43. My Radiant Amulet of Power will not be worn around my neck on a thin gold chain, or on a ring that is two sizes too big for my finger. If a line of sight is required for operation, then a good strong locking watchband will do. If the amulet need not be exposed, as Empress I have far more secure hiding places at my immediate disposal -- and to hell with the glow.
44. Men already enthralled by my Feminine Wiles will just as easily take my orders when radioed from my fortress as in person on the front lines.
45. I will keep my hair under control and my fingernails trimmed. Long, loose hair is much too convenient a handle for the Hero, Sidekick or Backstabbing Evil Ally. Trimmed fingernails let me press The Button myself.
46. I will identify any phobias or nervous habits I have and undergo therapy until I can overcome them. It would be Just Too Vexing to be chased from the scene of my Ultimate Triumph because someone dropped a snake from the air vent.
47. If the seeds of discontent look ready to bloom into open rebellion, I will hire a top PR firm to create the public image that I am 1) only a figurehead and that all power really resides in the Prime Minister; 2) misunderstood; or 3) only a woman who's getting bad advice from her Council. Choices 1) and 3) give me the option to keep my head if my side is defeated by the Hero -- and leave the possibility of a sequel.
48. The internet is my friend. Using body doubles, I can inspire loyalty with www.EvilEmpress.boudoir. live.com, fear with www.EvilEmpress.pit-of-despair.live.com, and utter slavish obedience with www.EvilEmpress.strict-discipline.live.com. I can also sell t-shirts and other Evil Empress [tm] merchandise.
49. If there is any conceivable thing the sight of which can melt me into mawkish sentimentality, I will wear sunglasses designed to make it look like a Chia Pet.
50. If the Hero has an evil twin, the twin will probably make a far more suitable Love-Happy Stooge. Keeping this in mind, I will beware of advisors who might have a Non-Evil twin.
51. Magic Girls, no matter how frilly their dresses, high their screams, or incompetent their sidekicks, will be treated as the credible and dire threats they are, and I will direct as many, if not more resources to their destruction as I would for a more classical Hero.
Notes on Fortress Construction:
52. Start with a sound building. Broken windows and decrepit construction may be picturesque, but a computerized operation can't tolerate the inevitable dust, bugs, and rain; and besides, they're hell on your heating and cooling bills.
53. Instead of building a huge flashy Fortress of Evil, consider renting an anonymous warehouse, an empty office block, or a strip mall or industrial park that's fallen on hard times. It'll save money, be harder to spot, and will already have utility hookups.
54. Also consider filling unneeded space in your lab with incomprehensible but powerful-looking surplus computer equipment -- superannuated vaxen and the like, bought cheap -- to keep your minions properly cowed.
55. A stock of mysterious old equipment is also useful for chasing off intruders. Studies have shown that most secret agents will flee as soon as a few large and imposing items begin to emit sparks and smoke. An additional "it's about to blow" warning siren will cause more than 90% of international counterintelligence agents to run out the nearest exit without checking to see whether the smoking equipment is part of the evil plot they were trying to foil.
56. Self-destruct mechanisms should only be triggerable from the heart of your device/ship/fortress, and should implode from the outside rather than explode from the inside.
57. Your Command Center should have a heavily guarded room at the bottom of a 100-story subterranean shaft that contains a sophisticated bus-sized computer with a fake encoded plan, no external links, and no real function whatsoever. The real command center will be a satellite-linked laptop on a card-table with a folding chair, near the top of the elevator shaft, behind a door marked 'standpipe valves' that's accessible through the unlocked janitor's closet.
58. In an unobtrusive spot outside your fortress, plant a remotely-controlled boom box with a tape recording of a sports car speeding away. If the hero breaks in, just step into a broom closet, cue the boom box, and wait calmly while he goes off on a wild goose chase. Then come out and get back to work.
59. If possible, no exhaust ports should lead directly to the heart of the reactor core. If that is unavoidable, all such exhaust ports should have closeable reinforced blast doors at every other level, and alternate routes of venting in case of emergency.
60. Your computer systems should have uninterruptable power supplies, and your circuitry should use breakers or fuses with the appropriate tolerances.
61. Make a careful study of whatever documentation comes with your decorative old computer junk. Learn to imitate its style. That way, even if you foolishly succumb to the temptation to tell the hero the details of your plan, he won't understand a word of it.
62. It should never be necessary to store explosive materials and/or fuel anywhere near your central control or commuter complex. If for some reason this happens anyway, they should not be in the same room as your central computer. They should be in a concrete bunker protected by blast doors and fire prevention systems. The same goes for the vats of toxic waste, acids, and super-cold liquids.
63. All non-instantaneous deathtraps (drowning pools, trash compactors, gas chambers, etc.) should be isolated from the communications and power grids.
64. It's wise to assume that deathtrap manufacturers' brochures base their Estimated Time to Kill (ETK) on tests using non-heroes, and test only the minimum ETK. Therefore, Heroes trapped in a non-instantaneous deathtrap should remain there a minimum of several times longer than its ETK, and even then should be treated as potentially dangerous until any remains are incinerated.
65. All deathtraps will have only one way in or out. Any way out should lead to an even more cunning and fast-working deathtrap.
66. Remember: No amount of decorating finesse makes up for the lack of an overwhelming aura of evil.
Notes Regarding Ultimate Weapons/Spells
67. I will never attend an auction of an Ultimate Weapon. If it's truly as good as advertised, the auctioneer would already be the Evil Overlord.
68. Any Ultimate Weapon that requires assembly of five components scattered to the four corners of the earth can be made in my private laboratory with three times the security in probably half the time.
69. Any Ultimate Weapon that was disassembled in the distant past and its components scattered to nearly inaccessible niches across the globe could not have been that great in the first place, or else it would never have been disassembled.
70. If my Ultimate Incantation or Supreme Summoning leaves me weak and vulnerable from the expenditure of energy, I will only undertake it deep in the center of my fortress, and get plenty of sleep before applying the results.
71. There is a reason why the spell book of the last Evil Empress is available to me. If I came into possession of it through any means that involved defeat of its power, I will use it as a doorstop only.
72. Instead of going to the trouble and risk of stealing a 200 MT nuclear device and ransoming a city for the billions of dollars I'll need for my Ultimate Diabolical Plan, I'll simply open a evangelical teleministry. That way I also get a bonus Fanatic Legion that will obey my every command, should I ever need such a thing.
73. If I come into possession of, or manage to assemble the Ultimate Weapon, I will immediately use it at full power in direct pursuit of my goal of world domination. No warning shots across the bow, No "This is only a fraction of my weapon's potential!" grandstanding.
74. I will also refrain from using the Ultimate Weapon for simply offing the Hero. If it's really the UW, the Hero's efforts will come to naught anyway.
75. No Ultimate Incantation that requires sacrifice of a Virgin is worth the trouble of a) securing such a rarity and b) relying on a quality so easily cured by an amorous Hero or Heroine in a few minutes' stolen time.
76. If my superweapon can be controlled by computers or other electronic/electrical means, then there is no need for there to be only one set of controls right next to the main power source. A fake set, directly connected to a multi-amp circuit, will occupy this location.
77. While it may be tempting to use an Ultimate Weapon or Spell with a rare, almost impossible to exploit, Tiny Flaw to accomplish my goals, if many Penultimate Weapons or Spells with no such flaw can achieve the same effect, I will employ them instead.
78. I will not use area-effect, mind-altering spells as a long-term solution to civil unrest, because (a.) They wear off, or the subjects gain or breed immunity, and the population I made to love me will inevitably hate me; and (b.) Outsiders not susceptible to the initial spell will quickly become suspicious, and try to Do Something about my subjects' mindless happiness.
Miscellaneous Evil Resolutions
79. My planned assault on the rebel base will take place after my assault on the rebel base.
80. If my objective is world domination, I will not be tempted by tantalizing opportunities for absolute power, which invariably backfire. If my objective is absolute power, I will consider settling for world domination.
81. I will never enter into an alliance if I am not sure I can betray it if necessary. I will always assume my new allies observe this same condition.
82. When it is time to unite all the diverse underworld organizations into a single cohesive crime syndicate, the meeting with all my fellow under-bosses will not feature the elimination of the vociferous objectors and intimidation of the rest. It will feature the deputization of the most powerful that I can control easily and the elimination of the rest.
83. If I can't execute the Hero immediately, I can take the time to completely -- and I mean no finger, toe, or tongue wiggling -- immobilize him. A couple of rolls of Saran-Wrap plus some judicious cordage will do fine.
84. One of my close advisors will be a prolific hack novelist. If my plan matches or mimics any of his plots, it will be summarily rejected.
85. I've murdered tens of thousands in cold blood. If I can't ice the sad-eyed puppy too, I don't deserve the job.
86. If I must fight hand to hand, no matter how I outclass my opponent in skill and finesse, I will fight dirty and get the job done as quickly as possible.
87. Total commitment is essential. If I discover that I have not truly and completely gone over to the Dark Side, I will immediately suspend all world-domination efforts until that last morsel of Goodness can be expunged.
88. Planting a tracking device on the Hero doesn't mean I shouldn't also use other means to track him.
89. The "safety" switch on my personal blaster and laser sword will in fact be a "reverse" or "overload" switch.
90. If I cannot take the time to create and remember a nonsensical 12 digit password with numbers, symbols, and alternate cases, I might well keep my Ultimate Plan in an ASCII file on my desktop.
91. If my Evil Offspring is corrupted by the forces of Good, I will not try to attempt to bring him back to the Dark Side. I will give him up as a lost cause, eliminate him if he goes against me, and find a suitable Evil protege somewhere else.
92. I will always keep a few Useless but Loyal Advisors on the payroll and in proximity, both to help my enemies underestimate me, and to provide a few extra bodies between the enemy and myself should my defenses be penetrated.
93. I will exploit my subjects, but not to the point of destitution, decrepitude, or desperation. I'm Evil, not Stupid.
94. If reputable prophecy dictates that I will be defeated or killed by a certain person or event, I will not waste time trying to eliminate him or prevent it. I will enjoy my power for all it's worth, as long as I can, and meanwhile devote reasonable energy to a search for new prophecy that will get me out of the first one.
en anglais, trop long, pas le temps.
C'est sans doute drôle.
Ertaïen a écrit:
en anglais, trop long, pas le temps.
Je sais, pour l'instant je voulais surtout les archiver, je penser que je tenterais une traduction quand j'aurais moi meme un peu de temps. (bien que le terme de "sombre seigneur du mal" que je compte utiliser n'est pas à la hauteur de "evil overlord" )
C'est sans doute drôle.
Oh oui, une fois qu'on est lancé je trouve cela particulièrement interressant. En fait ca peut meme donner des idées de chose à faire (ou ne pas faire) dans un scénario.
Au passage je réaliser qu'ils (les différents posts) ne sont pas dans le bon ordre, je vais ajouter des numéros pour compenser